thirty-seven

i am almost twenty four. i have been saying this for weeks now but still never seems to ring true in my mind. i can't believe it. twenty three is almost over. twenty three, the year i've been looking forward to since i can't even remember has less than four days left. so crazy. my roommates and i sat in our new sunporch today, next to our christmas tree with snow falling outside the windows all around us. we sat discussing how our years went. kate and alan said awful. i was the only one that could honestly say that my year has been pretty great, it may have started off as the worst year ever, but has come to live up to my year twenty-three hopes. i was so worried i would be depressed at the end of this year but i actually feel good. hell yeah.

new house, new roommates, looking for a new job. my life is changing dramatically right now but i feel like its getting more organized. i feel good. in check. plus i've had a really good couple of days, FUN days. the way home from hampden last week was so much fun, the other night the golden west after hours was so much fun, yesterday the tui video shoot was so much fun. today, trudging through the snow with jon and alan was so much fun. i have a crush on a guy that is reciprocal maybe and even if i don't act on it, this makes me feel good. Like faith restored, just when i was feeling like i never wanted to feel anything again."The type of boy who shows up to your work to surprise you with lunch." hell yeah.

my best friends are one by one moving closer to me but i miss the guts out of so many people still. i think i might go visit adam in california in january. but i also need to go to massachusetts and want to go to rochester that month too and i also want to be around maryland for some things. life needs to get closer together.

im flying to florida tomorrow too. life, hell yeah.

thirty-six

i am in berlin. it reminds me of rochester here, just much bigger, which is creating a sad sense of nostalgia that is not helping with the wave of blue washing over me today. i would really rather be anywhere but here, no, i would really rather just be back in the states, which, i do not like to admit because i am in berlin and i should be making the most of it. truth be told i am burnt out on it all. every person i see and every word spoken annoys me. i need a tiny bit of space to recharge but i cant get it. i haven't gotten it for days. weeks. i'm sitting here, uploading photographs to my tumblr and ive been asked four times what my plans are for today. if you know anything about me, you would know how much this sort of question would peeve me in a normal context. today it is just making me feel insane. am i supposed to have some sort of itinerary ready to ramble off? i dont have a plan, maybe i just wanna sit here and do nothing the entire day and not go outside and not interact with a foreign place and not try to speak to foreign tongues, and not not understand signs or not not have any idea where i am going and not walk in the rain for just ONE day.

but you cant say that to people you dont know, to people who are trying to make your stay in europe good for you. they dont understand youve been doing this for 25 days already and youve answered all those same questions multiple times a day for 25 days and havent had a door of your own to close for 25 days.

i'm going back to rome early tomorrow and in eight days, i fly home.

thirty-five

as to complete my internet circle of connection,
this is the link to my current photo blog from my travels:

>>>>>ramonathebrave.tumblr.com<<<<<<<<


enjoy, and you should see the bust with glasses pictures cause i think they are funny
(unless you will get mad at me for single-handedly destroying all of art history, then dont go back to page 6 or so)

and since i dont write in here much these days
be well,
amy lula

thirty-four

why does everyone want to talk ALL the time?
isn't there anyone who doesnt want to talk?
in movies they always point to couples in restaurant booths and say "i dont want to end up like that, a couple that never talks and eats in silence" but dammit, that is just what i want!

thirty-four

the person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.

thirty-three

amy. seriously girl...are you listening?

stop this.

thirty-two

i'm not yet in bed. i am waiting for a bill callahan record to download it has three minutes left. i should have been a sleep hours ago. i feel detached from myself or how i am feeling and why more so than i ever have these days. i miss old things but get excited for new ones. i stay up too late. sleep too little. eat unhealthy. fail at being productive. i need to reign it in.

i'm going to rome in october, so i am pushing back the move to chicago til the latter part of the year. i may spend up to a month in europe depending. i plan on beginning to learn italian soon and maybe brushing up on my french.

i opened a bank account in which i have to keep a 750 dollar minimum balance. i'm not sure whether to be excited that this is do-able for me or to be scared out of my mind. a few things right now like bank accounts and jobs that i can't take time from make me feel stuck. settled. i hate that feeling and am freaking a little about it.

the record is done. i was told to listen to a song from it, here i go.

thirty-one

I haven't been able to get myself asleep earlier than 7 am in the past few days. At around 3 am this morning, my roomate and his friend were held up at gunpoint on our front porch. They are okay.

I have a big list of things to do tomorrow. I will get them done.

thirty

i haven't written in here for a while and with good reason. i always felt like it is very hard to write on the internet during certain times of life without being vaguely [or overtly] passive aggressive. so i quit. avoided it completely. i reacquainted myself with my material journal and wrote furiously as i once used to. but now, perhaps, i am back. or, at least for one entry. at least to tell you all i am in baltimore again and things are okay.


my heartbeat feels steady again.
up and up.

and now its time for some spaghetti.

twenty-nine

i try to not think of this as the closing of a circle, completely pointless, leaving me in the same place as the same time last year and feeling emptier and heavier all at the same time skin soaked in shame and a heart that is fried because if i say that it assumes this year was a waste but this year has actually been quite amazing in all other areas of my life. i have grown and i am growing. i am happy. i just don't know what to do with myself but i am not alone.

today i will send off the last thing i ever do for him. tomorrow is my mother's birthday and i want to get her something special. the day after, i am leaving again for maryland and someday, i will be able to sit still.

twenty-eight

i finally finished college one week ago today and i am trying to figure out what my next move in life is. i am in no rush for anything though except to feel sunshine on my face and pedals under my feet. so so so ready for spring.

twenty-seven

dig.
dig.
dig.

this hole is getting bigger,
perhaps ill end up in china. far away.

twenty-six

yesterday was the most ridiculous day of my life.
a ball of fun and drama.

happy valentines day suckas.

twenty-five

wow. i did absolutely nothing today and i feel like a complete waste about it. i had a rough night last night, i won't explain but i was in a very dark place that really shook me.

i think from now on i am going to try to be a bit more positive and stay a little more busy. i need to keep my mind from running away from me. i've been so lazy lately, ignoring a list of things that i dont even need to get done but things i actually want to get done that just goes on not getting done. i need to call some people, make some books, mix tapes, and feel good about myself again.

i've lost sight of amy in all this. i need to return to former philosophies and being a little more steady and thoughtful. i've always thought it was pointless to imprison someone in a relationship they didn't want. pain is a sometimes necessary part of life, and i guess i just have felt numb for so long that i was terrified to actually feel again, you know? i was scared to just be hurt. but i am not anymore, i am welcoming it. cause at least when you feel like your heart is going to explode, you know its there and when the pain fades, you feel like never before. like when you are getting to that point of a run where your body feels like it is on fire but you know if you just stick it out, soon, you will feel on top of the world and that you could run forever.

twenty-four

if i could erase everything from today except for my bike ride, i would.

twenty-three

i feel a bit sick, i have had way more then enough candy today. i've been doing pretty well eating healthy-wise until i got home today to a 3 pound valentines day box my mom stuffed to the brim with peanut chews, swedish fish, sour watermelons, cliff bars, builder bars, gum and 20 bucks! it was awesome, she is awesome. but to save a little face i put the box downstairs and wrote "help yourselves" on it so my roomates and friends will help me with the sugar-load cause i sure don't need it all.

school was actually enjoyable today, probably because sam and matt were around and it wasn't as lonely as mondays tend to be. i was in esp for hours working on sooze's livejournal book, i got about a hundred pages in. these are going to be a bit more time consuming than i originally thought, a lot of copy and pasting, but i think in the end it will be worth it.

i went to the movies tonight and saw yes man, which was actually pretty good and not just because i love jim carey or zoey deschblahblahblah. just lighthearted and cute. and for a few reasons during the movie i caught myself with a huge grin on my face and felt a bit embarrassed. and its dumb but really, i should probably say yes more often.

the ride home tonight felt really nice, i love my bike and my dorky handle bars.

time for tea and reading until i fall asleep. bon soir!

twenty-two

i am either the most confused girl on the planet or the one with the least strength. i have been a whirlwind of emotion lately and i should probably apologize to everyone. trying to have a casual relationship with someone you are already years invested in is hard. i can say though that i'm trying. i'd like to get back to at least semi-regular heartbeat.

today has been a day of drawing and watching band of brothers. i have yet to go outside, i felt a little terrible about this until eric and i stuck our heads out the door and realized it is FREEZING! Being inside all day is okay, i told myself, as long as i am productive.

school is winding down, which means the work is winding up. I have two weeks left and it will be goodbye RIT for good. i sure hope i make it with no F's.

i had an interview for a job yesterday, a nanny job, i will know if i got it on tuesday or so. man, i hope so. i am beyond broke right now and really really trying to not call my parents for help. Mr. California, it would be nice to get that five hundred dollars you owe me.

i realized what happened yesterday is part of that stuff i don't want. feeling that uncomfortable and lost out of nowhere, i don't miss it. it used to really ruin me for a while but not anymore. forget that mess, i'm going to build a bonfire.

twenty-one.

so new years happened. thats about all i have to say about it here.
last night claire danes and dasha played at my house. both of those bands are really great. like really great. trevor ryan and i walked to the bug jar. it started off as a pretty slow sad night. but it ended up being pretty fun. i bought everyone drinks and mostly expensive whiskey. my tab? 46.50 yikes. on the walk home and i was a jerk and feel terrible about it. when we got back to my house mike, tim, colleen, eric, trevor and i all sat on the couch and just talked and laugh for a while. everyone disappeared one by one until it was just eric and i. i went upstairs to find a heap of blanket at the end of my bed that was trevor passed out. i should have got a picture of it, it was pretty funny.

i had the most horrible dream last night. kind of the same ones i have been having for a the past week or so. you can suppress your fears all you want when you are awake but they come at you twice as hard when you close your eyes.
this one though, i saw a glimpse of the monster i'm becoming.