tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3288047012717691972024-03-05T12:43:07.090-08:00dirty hands::dirty hair::dirty heart:::: :: :: ::::: :::: ::: : : :: :::::earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-82992863013271879202015-10-24T15:19:00.003-07:002015-10-24T15:19:21.732-07:00<div>
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Perhaps its the restlessness of the season that is making me feel so restless. So listless. Every Autumn I feel restless and bored and boring. And a depression starts cause I come up with grand ideas for change but rarely ever act on them. Maybe this year will be different. All i know is I am growing tired of the pattern of my life right now.</div>
earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-37321996158152932922015-10-24T15:09:00.000-07:002015-10-24T15:09:04.797-07:00In an effort to assuage some of the swirlings in my head lately I've decided to begin writing again. Im feeling rather stale these days. Life has changed so much in the past few years, with friends settling down and moving away, the end of relationships and whatever pathetic sense of mission that gave me. I feel myself stuck in a cycle of drinking and boredom and tv and am worried I am becoming too much of these things. It effects me, I feel irratible and disinterested in everything. Doldrums. Little to no motivation, and what I do muster up can be squashed by the littlest of negativity. I want to feel productive again. But where does one start? I pick up small temporary hobbies to keep myself entertained but to what end? I need a mission. I need a purpose. I need an obsession that consumes me. I have it good, friends, a supportive partner, decent paying job, just what am i doing for my self development? What am I showing the world? What do I want to show the world?<br />
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Ramona to the rescue.<br />
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<br />earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-28634913756386008812013-12-04T10:57:00.000-08:002013-12-15T10:58:08.945-08:00i feel like a million bucks.<br />
chachinngearthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-60653126020784004532013-11-30T19:20:00.000-08:002015-10-24T14:55:14.205-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Crushes and loves felt way easier in my early 20's when I still felt enthusiast about exploring what the other person liked. Checking out their favorite bands and them mine instead of being the crotchety old woman I am now and being all like nah i pretty much only wanna listen to pink floyd. ;)</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Age 24 I grew poor enough to, for the first time, sift through and sell a major portion of my record collection. I remember pulling records out and chuckling "heh, oh riiight" and a name or a day would flash in my head as I moved them quickly into the SELL pile. Rid myself of 100+ records in twenty minutes. That day, I promised myself to stop buying records I just thought were cool or to impress someone. Some, I genuinely liked but realized with time only really liked cause I wanted someone to like me. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;">And shifted to only buyings albums I knew I would listen to a million times, and most importantly, for years to come.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now, I have a record collection I love, filled with all my favorite things, some cooler than others. That is a Killers joke. Maybe I've hardened and my ears judge to soon and im not as spongey as people like or maybe after all these years I've narrowed down to whats just me, and ya know, I just dont like daft punk and I just dont care for most 80s sounding syth pop and I bet you don't like neurosis. Who cares. Judging people intensely on music is a pretty pretentious shallow way to be anyways.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'll be honest it used to be how I'd pick em'</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, s</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 19px;">hoes and music, thats what I cared about in a man. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 19px;">I would be like uh uh not with those shoes or uh you listen to what, gross! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Now I think amy you were such an idiot and when a guy is like whatever I like this and i wear these and i can laugh and roll my eyes and they can laugh and roll their eyes at me, that, my friends, is where its at.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">BUT if you dont like Bob Dylan, you probably just don't have a heart so, get out.</span></span>earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-58927365222186512712013-11-28T10:49:00.000-08:002013-12-15T11:06:28.966-08:00I've been feeling really happy lately. Like good about who I am, resolved in knowing what is not for me. Heartbeats slowing to a steady rate. So, even if pain comes, which it does a little still every now and then, it doesn't drown me. My heads a littler farther above the water and I have room to take a deep breathe and remember I know how to swim. I laugh, I find a confidence that seems to hide now when I am around you. But I feel myself again, no tip toeing no figuring out whats going on. My best friend's head is back and he is so so happy. I saw his real smile for the first time in months. It sent a jolt of warmth through my every inch. I work with people I really love and love me. And don't even get me started on my family. The best.<br />
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John invited me for thanksgiving, and I declined.<br />
I had a lot of invites, but I am having my own day today.<br />
Cooking/baking myself my favorite things and making the holiday my own.<br />
I feel great, though, I miss my family.<br />
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I find myself waking up next to you and not wanting to stay.<br />
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Feels good to not care what happens.<br />
And not beat yourself for loving someone so intensely,<br />
despite knowing their cycles all too well. shruh<br />
At least I don't waiver.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-4691980262035499282013-10-31T09:17:00.000-07:002013-12-16T06:05:56.265-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So this. It feels nice to hear I love you everyday again. Sleep next to someone every night. Outside, My lips grin and say I love you back and then again to answer "yes, really", my eyes watch the rise and fall of your chest. My skin feels you pull me in and tightly wrap yourself around me, as if you cant get close enough, both hands inside yours that way we hold hands. My ears hear you tell me how much you missed certain parts of my body that youve still never been more attracted to anyone. Inside, I numb these senses, and keep a distance, I'm trying to protect my healing scars and not have them suddenly ripped back open. I'm operating somewhere between relief, disbelief and what the hell am I doing. Forgiving and forgetting don't come that easily, and Im not sure I've done either.<br />
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Completely tied in knots that maybe just need to be rubbed in and worked out.</div>
earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-46279571660828399072013-07-01T07:45:00.000-07:002013-08-09T07:47:19.437-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have no words. Just a tangle of swirling thoughts, knotting together in my mind and wanting them all to cease.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-24573664191809306542013-04-27T22:04:00.003-07:002015-10-24T14:54:35.613-07:00<br />
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<br />earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-83975160319921725162012-08-24T12:27:00.000-07:002012-08-24T12:27:19.860-07:00I had a dream last night that my teeth were rotting out of my mouth. At first they started chipping off in pieces then they would fall out in twos or threes leaving huge gaping holes in my gums. I caught them in my hands and quickly shoved them in my pocket. I gave him an embarrassed gummy grin as I looked back up, realizing it was over, how could he ever love a toothless girl.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-17488365177423399362011-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:002011-09-08T11:25:45.799-07:00THINGS ARE GOOD WHINEY MISERY BLOG THAT I FORGOT ABOUT<div>SEE YA</div>earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-6260340044649596562011-01-15T14:58:00.000-08:002011-09-08T11:18:50.478-07:00i'm in the same exact fucking place i was in last year. but in a colder city, more bored and fed up. <div>get a clue lamey lula.</div>earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-34540059085551286892010-06-09T22:58:00.000-07:002011-09-08T11:16:14.652-07:00thirty-ninei haven't really felt much like talking lately. i know this isn't abnormal for me but i feel strange. like a stranger. conversations seem like chores and i anxiously wait for them to be over once they begin. i just want to sit and stare blankly, oblivious to things around me. i would say i want things to stop moving, but i know how impossible that is. time goes forwards and almost annoyingly so. boys in basements and boys with houses have my limbs stretched as far as they will go. my eyes hurt. i just want to sit on a couch with a friend, without feeling like i'm gonna have to figure out whats ok or what i want or think about what to say next, i just want to sit together in silence.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-56466188502434673312010-01-01T20:32:00.000-08:002010-01-01T21:18:09.711-08:00thirty-eight<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqaZ_BNBIzm707TvuXjY58InR2A05DwnPwgnGYSctzJbI9A70Dfbf6bQtMOoO2Y5UZw5up0FWaL8CvhSdf3hrLkV4_Xinxd27Ld8gV3yz_kt40fjau4wOE-W2MADoZXdAZ7FgvZ8FcvY/s1600-h/Photo+146.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqaZ_BNBIzm707TvuXjY58InR2A05DwnPwgnGYSctzJbI9A70Dfbf6bQtMOoO2Y5UZw5up0FWaL8CvhSdf3hrLkV4_Xinxd27Ld8gV3yz_kt40fjau4wOE-W2MADoZXdAZ7FgvZ8FcvY/s400/Photo+146.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421995978047294258" border="0" /></a><br />Nothing to lose. You know, at least I see now, that it's not a bad place to start a new year. To avoid a pointless sum-up and broad generalizations about this year I am going to end this paragraph here.<br /><br />I am still in Florida, been here for two weeks now, and definitely itching to get back to life. Although, I'm not sure I have better things to do back home. I feel oddly and depressingly disconnected here, leading me only to conclude I had no real connection at all and, despite knowing this to be false, feeling awfully lonely as a result. I had plans of traveling a lot this month but they seem to be getting picked off one by one. The only plan left is flying to San Francisco near the end of the month to visit Adam and maybe hop on a tour upwards through Washington. I think I might like it there.<br /><br />I am so ready for a constant. Impatient almost. I cut my hair last night out of that impulse to change that only heartbreak brings. I rather like it.<br /><br />Pushed you to the ends of every strand, and chopped you off.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-36308982636808335442009-12-19T22:34:00.000-08:002011-09-08T11:12:56.023-07:00thirty-seveni am almost twenty four. i have been saying this for weeks now but still never seems to ring true in my mind. i can't believe it. twenty three is almost over. twenty three, the year i've been looking forward to since i can't even remember has less than four days left. so crazy. my roommates and i sat in our new sunporch today, next to our christmas tree with snow falling outside the windows all around us. we sat discussing how our years went. kate and alan said awful. i was the only one that could honestly say that my year has been pretty great, it may have started off as the worst year ever, but has come to live up to my year twenty-three hopes. i was so worried i would be depressed at the end of this year but i actually feel good. hell yeah.<br /><br />new house, new roommates, looking for a new job. my life is changing dramatically right now but i feel like its getting more organized. i feel good. in check. plus i've had a really good couple of days, FUN days. the way home from hampden last week was so much fun, the other night the golden west after hours was so much fun, yesterday the tui video shoot was so much fun. today, trudging through the snow with jon and alan was so much fun. i have a crush on a guy that is reciprocal maybe and even if i don't act on it, this makes me feel good. Like faith restored, just when i was feeling like i never wanted to feel anything again."The type of boy who shows up to your work to surprise you with lunch." hell yeah.<br /><br />my best friends are one by one moving closer to me but i miss the guts out of so many people still. i think i might go visit adam in california in january. but i also need to go to massachusetts and want to go to rochester that month too and i also want to be around maryland for some things. life needs to get closer together.<br /><br />im flying to florida tomorrow too. life, hell yeah.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-77547217294098512392009-11-25T06:45:00.000-08:002009-11-25T08:36:07.275-08:00thirty-sixi am in berlin. it reminds me of rochester here, just much bigger, which is creating a sad sense of nostalgia that is not helping with the wave of blue washing over me today. i would really rather be anywhere but here, no, i would really rather just be back in the states, which, i do not like to admit because i am in berlin and i should be making the most of it. truth be told i am burnt out on it all. every person i see and every word spoken annoys me. i need a tiny bit of space to recharge but i cant get it. i haven't gotten it for days. weeks. i'm sitting here, uploading photographs to my tumblr and ive been asked four times what my plans are for today. if you know anything about me, you would know how much this sort of question would peeve me in a normal context. today it is just making me feel insane. am i supposed to have some sort of itinerary ready to ramble off? i dont have a plan, maybe i just wanna sit here and do nothing the entire day and not go outside and not interact with a foreign place and not try to speak to foreign tongues, and not not understand signs or not not have any idea where i am going and not walk in the rain for just ONE day.<br /><br />but you cant say that to people you dont know, to people who are trying to make your stay in europe good for you. they dont understand youve been doing this for 25 days already and youve answered all those same questions multiple times a day for 25 days and havent had a door of your own to close for 25 days.<br /><br />i'm going back to rome early tomorrow and in eight days, i fly home.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-88595142316179074692009-11-10T18:11:00.001-08:002009-11-10T18:38:28.018-08:00thirty-five<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJuFjtKNhRe2x7wmzL4zCyl4pmZaUAwf6gQ65k9q5QPs0L-neJGh7qyvdcP25F22SIL4ij6mlxgVxxZqY9_nDac2rgZBtxSUVKoIgnAJf8C3srkJX1TcB_pjOeBD_-dHPulXCkSyfkC3M/s1600-h/408roroscarfchair.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJuFjtKNhRe2x7wmzL4zCyl4pmZaUAwf6gQ65k9q5QPs0L-neJGh7qyvdcP25F22SIL4ij6mlxgVxxZqY9_nDac2rgZBtxSUVKoIgnAJf8C3srkJX1TcB_pjOeBD_-dHPulXCkSyfkC3M/s400/408roroscarfchair.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402669307078161442" border="0" /></a><br />as to complete my internet circle of connection,<br />this is the link to my current photo blog from my travels:<br /><br /><a href="http://ramonathebrave.tumblr.com/">>>>>>ramonathebrave.tumblr.com<<<<<<<<</a><br /><br /><br />enjoy, and you should see the bust with glasses pictures cause i think they are funny<br />(unless you will get mad at me for single-handedly destroying all of art history, then dont go back to page 6 or so)<br /><br />and since i dont write in here much these days<br />be well,<br />amy lulaearthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-75725716990892819362009-10-29T18:52:00.000-07:002009-11-25T06:43:13.125-08:00thirty-fourwhy does everyone want to talk ALL the time?<br />isn't there anyone who doesnt want to talk?<br />in movies they always point to couples in restaurant booths and say "i dont want to end up like that, a couple that never talks and eats in silence" but dammit, that is just what i want!earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-75346615255163117402009-07-30T12:14:00.000-07:002011-09-08T11:17:53.504-07:00thirty-fourthe person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-16847299523251608822009-06-30T20:31:00.000-07:002009-07-01T09:41:23.842-07:00thirty-threeamy. seriously girl...are you listening? <br /><br />stop this.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-37110570960584833922009-06-22T22:50:00.001-07:002009-06-22T23:05:24.732-07:00thirty-twoi'm not yet in bed. i am waiting for a bill callahan record to download it has three minutes left. i should have been a sleep hours ago. i feel detached from myself or how i am feeling and why more so than i ever have these days. i miss old things but get excited for new ones. i stay up too late. sleep too little. eat unhealthy. fail at being productive. i need to reign it in. <br /><br />i'm going to rome in october, so i am pushing back the move to chicago til the latter part of the year. i may spend up to a month in europe depending. i plan on beginning to learn italian soon and maybe brushing up on my french.<br /><br />i opened a bank account in which i have to keep a 750 dollar minimum balance. i'm not sure whether to be excited that this is do-able for me or to be scared out of my mind. a few things right now like bank accounts and jobs that i can't take time from make me feel stuck. settled. i hate that feeling and am freaking a little about it. <br /><br />the record is done. i was told to listen to a song from it, here i go.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-2181451179856624432009-05-30T04:09:00.000-07:002009-06-01T08:40:02.862-07:00thirty-oneI haven't been able to get myself asleep earlier than 7 am in the past few days. At around 3 am this morning, my roomate and his friend were held up at gunpoint on our front porch. They are okay.<br /><br />I have a big list of things to do tomorrow. I will get them done.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-90463636058200537802009-05-23T17:40:00.001-07:002009-05-23T18:01:29.028-07:00thirtyi haven't written in here for a while and with good reason. i always felt like it is very hard to write on the internet during certain times of life without being vaguely [or overtly] passive aggressive. so i quit. avoided it completely. i reacquainted myself with my material journal and wrote furiously as i once used to. but now, perhaps, i am back. or, at least for one entry. at least to tell you all i am in baltimore again and things are okay. <br /><br /><br />my heartbeat feels steady again. <br />up and up.<br /><br />and now its time for some spaghetti.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-48860103748736507162009-04-20T12:52:00.000-07:002009-04-20T09:52:31.651-07:00twenty-ninei try to not think of this as the closing of a circle, completely pointless, leaving me in the same place as the same time last year and feeling emptier and heavier all at the same time skin soaked in shame and a heart that is fried because if i say that it assumes this year was a waste but this year has actually been quite amazing in all other areas of my life. i have grown and i am growing. i am happy. i just don't know what to do with myself but i am not alone.<br /><br />today i will send off the last thing i ever do for him. tomorrow is my mother's birthday and i want to get her something special. the day after, i am leaving again for maryland and someday, i will be able to sit still.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-41338229770528638262009-03-04T11:36:00.000-08:002009-03-04T11:39:15.552-08:00twenty-eighti finally finished college one week ago today and i am trying to figure out what my next move in life is. i am in no rush for anything though except to feel sunshine on my face and pedals under my feet. so so so ready for spring.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328804701271769197.post-28491606143955197002009-03-01T23:10:00.000-08:002009-03-01T23:12:47.212-08:00twenty-sevendig. <br />dig.<br />dig.<br /><br />this hole is getting bigger, <br />perhaps ill end up in china. far away.earthtoamyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08187266597703836093noreply@blogger.com0