I've been feeling really happy lately. Like good about who I am, resolved in knowing what is not for me. Heartbeats slowing to a steady rate. So, even if pain comes, which it does a little still every now and then, it doesn't drown me. My heads a littler farther above the water and I have room to take a deep breathe and remember I know how to swim. I laugh, I find a confidence that seems to hide now when I am around you. But I feel myself again, no tip toeing no figuring out whats going on. My best friend's head is back and he is so so happy. I saw his real smile for the first time in months. It sent a jolt of warmth through my every inch. I work with people I really love and love me. And don't even get me started on my family. The best.

John invited me for thanksgiving, and I declined.
I had a lot of invites, but I am having my own day today.
Cooking/baking myself my favorite things and making the holiday my own.
I feel great, though, I miss my family.

I find myself waking up next to you and not wanting to stay.

Feels good to not care what happens.
And not beat yourself for loving someone so intensely,
despite knowing their cycles all too well. shruh
At least I don't waiver.

So this. It feels nice to hear I love you everyday again. Sleep next to someone every night. Outside, My lips grin and say I love you back and then again to answer "yes, really", my eyes watch the rise and fall of your chest. My skin feels you pull me in and tightly wrap yourself around me, as if you cant get close enough, both hands inside yours that way we hold hands. My ears hear you tell me how much you missed certain parts of my body that youve still never been more attracted to anyone. Inside, I numb these senses, and keep a distance, I'm trying to protect my healing scars and not have them suddenly ripped back open. I'm operating somewhere between relief, disbelief and what the hell am I doing. Forgiving and forgetting don't come that easily, and Im not sure I've done either.

Completely tied in knots that maybe just need to be rubbed in and worked out.

I have no words. Just a tangle of swirling thoughts, knotting together in my mind and wanting them all to cease.

I had a dream last night that my teeth were rotting out of my mouth. At first they started chipping off in pieces then they would fall out in twos or threes leaving huge gaping holes in my gums. I caught them in my hands and quickly shoved them in my pocket. I gave him an embarrassed gummy grin as I looked back up, realizing it was over, how could he ever love a toothless girl.

THINGS ARE GOOD WHINEY MISERY BLOG THAT I FORGOT ABOUT

SEE YA

i'm in the same exact fucking place i was in last year. but in a colder city, more bored and fed up.

get a clue lamey lula.