thirty-nine

i haven't really felt much like talking lately. i know this isn't abnormal for me but i feel strange. like a stranger. conversations seem like chores and i anxiously wait for them to be over once they begin. i just want to sit and stare blankly, oblivious to things around me. i would say i want things to stop moving, but i know how impossible that is. time goes forwards and almost annoyingly so. boys in basements and boys with houses have my limbs stretched as far as they will go. my eyes hurt. i just want to sit on a couch with a friend, without feeling like i'm gonna have to figure out whats ok or what i want or think about what to say next, i just want to sit together in silence.

thirty-eight

Nothing to lose. You know, at least I see now, that it's not a bad place to start a new year. To avoid a pointless sum-up and broad generalizations about this year I am going to end this paragraph here.

I am still in Florida, been here for two weeks now, and definitely itching to get back to life. Although, I'm not sure I have better things to do back home. I feel oddly and depressingly disconnected here, leading me only to conclude I had no real connection at all and, despite knowing this to be false, feeling awfully lonely as a result. I had plans of traveling a lot this month but they seem to be getting picked off one by one. The only plan left is flying to San Francisco near the end of the month to visit Adam and maybe hop on a tour upwards through Washington. I think I might like it there.

I am so ready for a constant. Impatient almost. I cut my hair last night out of that impulse to change that only heartbreak brings. I rather like it.

Pushed you to the ends of every strand, and chopped you off.

thirty-seven

i am almost twenty four. i have been saying this for weeks now but still never seems to ring true in my mind. i can't believe it. twenty three is almost over. twenty three, the year i've been looking forward to since i can't even remember has less than four days left. so crazy. my roommates and i sat in our new sunporch today, next to our christmas tree with snow falling outside the windows all around us. we sat discussing how our years went. kate and alan said awful. i was the only one that could honestly say that my year has been pretty great, it may have started off as the worst year ever, but has come to live up to my year twenty-three hopes. i was so worried i would be depressed at the end of this year but i actually feel good. hell yeah.

new house, new roommates, looking for a new job. my life is changing dramatically right now but i feel like its getting more organized. i feel good. in check. plus i've had a really good couple of days, FUN days. the way home from hampden last week was so much fun, the other night the golden west after hours was so much fun, yesterday the tui video shoot was so much fun. today, trudging through the snow with jon and alan was so much fun. i have a crush on a guy that is reciprocal maybe and even if i don't act on it, this makes me feel good. Like faith restored, just when i was feeling like i never wanted to feel anything again."The type of boy who shows up to your work to surprise you with lunch." hell yeah.

my best friends are one by one moving closer to me but i miss the guts out of so many people still. i think i might go visit adam in california in january. but i also need to go to massachusetts and want to go to rochester that month too and i also want to be around maryland for some things. life needs to get closer together.

im flying to florida tomorrow too. life, hell yeah.

thirty-six

i am in berlin. it reminds me of rochester here, just much bigger, which is creating a sad sense of nostalgia that is not helping with the wave of blue washing over me today. i would really rather be anywhere but here, no, i would really rather just be back in the states, which, i do not like to admit because i am in berlin and i should be making the most of it. truth be told i am burnt out on it all. every person i see and every word spoken annoys me. i need a tiny bit of space to recharge but i cant get it. i haven't gotten it for days. weeks. i'm sitting here, uploading photographs to my tumblr and ive been asked four times what my plans are for today. if you know anything about me, you would know how much this sort of question would peeve me in a normal context. today it is just making me feel insane. am i supposed to have some sort of itinerary ready to ramble off? i dont have a plan, maybe i just wanna sit here and do nothing the entire day and not go outside and not interact with a foreign place and not try to speak to foreign tongues, and not not understand signs or not not have any idea where i am going and not walk in the rain for just ONE day.

but you cant say that to people you dont know, to people who are trying to make your stay in europe good for you. they dont understand youve been doing this for 25 days already and youve answered all those same questions multiple times a day for 25 days and havent had a door of your own to close for 25 days.

i'm going back to rome early tomorrow and in eight days, i fly home.

thirty-five

as to complete my internet circle of connection,
this is the link to my current photo blog from my travels:

>>>>>ramonathebrave.tumblr.com<<<<<<<<


enjoy, and you should see the bust with glasses pictures cause i think they are funny
(unless you will get mad at me for single-handedly destroying all of art history, then dont go back to page 6 or so)

and since i dont write in here much these days
be well,
amy lula

thirty-four

why does everyone want to talk ALL the time?
isn't there anyone who doesnt want to talk?
in movies they always point to couples in restaurant booths and say "i dont want to end up like that, a couple that never talks and eats in silence" but dammit, that is just what i want!

thirty-four

the person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.