thirty-four

why does everyone want to talk ALL the time?
isn't there anyone who doesnt want to talk?
in movies they always point to couples in restaurant booths and say "i dont want to end up like that, a couple that never talks and eats in silence" but dammit, that is just what i want!

thirty-four

the person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.

thirty-three

amy. seriously girl...are you listening?

stop this.

thirty-two

i'm not yet in bed. i am waiting for a bill callahan record to download it has three minutes left. i should have been a sleep hours ago. i feel detached from myself or how i am feeling and why more so than i ever have these days. i miss old things but get excited for new ones. i stay up too late. sleep too little. eat unhealthy. fail at being productive. i need to reign it in.

i'm going to rome in october, so i am pushing back the move to chicago til the latter part of the year. i may spend up to a month in europe depending. i plan on beginning to learn italian soon and maybe brushing up on my french.

i opened a bank account in which i have to keep a 750 dollar minimum balance. i'm not sure whether to be excited that this is do-able for me or to be scared out of my mind. a few things right now like bank accounts and jobs that i can't take time from make me feel stuck. settled. i hate that feeling and am freaking a little about it.

the record is done. i was told to listen to a song from it, here i go.

thirty-one

I haven't been able to get myself asleep earlier than 7 am in the past few days. At around 3 am this morning, my roomate and his friend were held up at gunpoint on our front porch. They are okay.

I have a big list of things to do tomorrow. I will get them done.

thirty

i haven't written in here for a while and with good reason. i always felt like it is very hard to write on the internet during certain times of life without being vaguely [or overtly] passive aggressive. so i quit. avoided it completely. i reacquainted myself with my material journal and wrote furiously as i once used to. but now, perhaps, i am back. or, at least for one entry. at least to tell you all i am in baltimore again and things are okay.


my heartbeat feels steady again.
up and up.

and now its time for some spaghetti.

twenty-nine

i try to not think of this as the closing of a circle, completely pointless, leaving me in the same place as the same time last year and feeling emptier and heavier all at the same time skin soaked in shame and a heart that is fried because if i say that it assumes this year was a waste but this year has actually been quite amazing in all other areas of my life. i have grown and i am growing. i am happy. i just don't know what to do with myself but i am not alone.

today i will send off the last thing i ever do for him. tomorrow is my mother's birthday and i want to get her something special. the day after, i am leaving again for maryland and someday, i will be able to sit still.