thirty-three

amy. seriously girl...are you listening?

stop this.

thirty-two

i'm not yet in bed. i am waiting for a bill callahan record to download it has three minutes left. i should have been a sleep hours ago. i feel detached from myself or how i am feeling and why more so than i ever have these days. i miss old things but get excited for new ones. i stay up too late. sleep too little. eat unhealthy. fail at being productive. i need to reign it in.

i'm going to rome in october, so i am pushing back the move to chicago til the latter part of the year. i may spend up to a month in europe depending. i plan on beginning to learn italian soon and maybe brushing up on my french.

i opened a bank account in which i have to keep a 750 dollar minimum balance. i'm not sure whether to be excited that this is do-able for me or to be scared out of my mind. a few things right now like bank accounts and jobs that i can't take time from make me feel stuck. settled. i hate that feeling and am freaking a little about it.

the record is done. i was told to listen to a song from it, here i go.

thirty-one

I haven't been able to get myself asleep earlier than 7 am in the past few days. At around 3 am this morning, my roomate and his friend were held up at gunpoint on our front porch. They are okay.

I have a big list of things to do tomorrow. I will get them done.

thirty

i haven't written in here for a while and with good reason. i always felt like it is very hard to write on the internet during certain times of life without being vaguely [or overtly] passive aggressive. so i quit. avoided it completely. i reacquainted myself with my material journal and wrote furiously as i once used to. but now, perhaps, i am back. or, at least for one entry. at least to tell you all i am in baltimore again and things are okay.


my heartbeat feels steady again.
up and up.

and now its time for some spaghetti.

twenty-nine

i try to not think of this as the closing of a circle, completely pointless, leaving me in the same place as the same time last year and feeling emptier and heavier all at the same time skin soaked in shame and a heart that is fried because if i say that it assumes this year was a waste but this year has actually been quite amazing in all other areas of my life. i have grown and i am growing. i am happy. i just don't know what to do with myself but i am not alone.

today i will send off the last thing i ever do for him. tomorrow is my mother's birthday and i want to get her something special. the day after, i am leaving again for maryland and someday, i will be able to sit still.

twenty-eight

i finally finished college one week ago today and i am trying to figure out what my next move in life is. i am in no rush for anything though except to feel sunshine on my face and pedals under my feet. so so so ready for spring.

twenty-seven

dig.
dig.
dig.

this hole is getting bigger,
perhaps ill end up in china. far away.