thirty-six

i am in berlin. it reminds me of rochester here, just much bigger, which is creating a sad sense of nostalgia that is not helping with the wave of blue washing over me today. i would really rather be anywhere but here, no, i would really rather just be back in the states, which, i do not like to admit because i am in berlin and i should be making the most of it. truth be told i am burnt out on it all. every person i see and every word spoken annoys me. i need a tiny bit of space to recharge but i cant get it. i haven't gotten it for days. weeks. i'm sitting here, uploading photographs to my tumblr and ive been asked four times what my plans are for today. if you know anything about me, you would know how much this sort of question would peeve me in a normal context. today it is just making me feel insane. am i supposed to have some sort of itinerary ready to ramble off? i dont have a plan, maybe i just wanna sit here and do nothing the entire day and not go outside and not interact with a foreign place and not try to speak to foreign tongues, and not not understand signs or not not have any idea where i am going and not walk in the rain for just ONE day.

but you cant say that to people you dont know, to people who are trying to make your stay in europe good for you. they dont understand youve been doing this for 25 days already and youve answered all those same questions multiple times a day for 25 days and havent had a door of your own to close for 25 days.

i'm going back to rome early tomorrow and in eight days, i fly home.

thirty-five

as to complete my internet circle of connection,
this is the link to my current photo blog from my travels:

>>>>>ramonathebrave.tumblr.com<<<<<<<<


enjoy, and you should see the bust with glasses pictures cause i think they are funny
(unless you will get mad at me for single-handedly destroying all of art history, then dont go back to page 6 or so)

and since i dont write in here much these days
be well,
amy lula

thirty-four

why does everyone want to talk ALL the time?
isn't there anyone who doesnt want to talk?
in movies they always point to couples in restaurant booths and say "i dont want to end up like that, a couple that never talks and eats in silence" but dammit, that is just what i want!

thirty-four

the person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.

thirty-three

amy. seriously girl...are you listening?

stop this.

thirty-two

i'm not yet in bed. i am waiting for a bill callahan record to download it has three minutes left. i should have been a sleep hours ago. i feel detached from myself or how i am feeling and why more so than i ever have these days. i miss old things but get excited for new ones. i stay up too late. sleep too little. eat unhealthy. fail at being productive. i need to reign it in.

i'm going to rome in october, so i am pushing back the move to chicago til the latter part of the year. i may spend up to a month in europe depending. i plan on beginning to learn italian soon and maybe brushing up on my french.

i opened a bank account in which i have to keep a 750 dollar minimum balance. i'm not sure whether to be excited that this is do-able for me or to be scared out of my mind. a few things right now like bank accounts and jobs that i can't take time from make me feel stuck. settled. i hate that feeling and am freaking a little about it.

the record is done. i was told to listen to a song from it, here i go.

thirty-one

I haven't been able to get myself asleep earlier than 7 am in the past few days. At around 3 am this morning, my roomate and his friend were held up at gunpoint on our front porch. They are okay.

I have a big list of things to do tomorrow. I will get them done.