thirty-four

the person i am supposed to be at this age makes me nauseous. i generally don't care for most of my peers and feel increasingly disassociated from them. i don't get wasted every night. i have never done drugs. i don't crave shallow validation from the opposite sex. i am friendly with a lot of people but keep very few close friends. i write people off instantly or attempt to hold on for life. i stubbornly hold grudges or forgive to easily. i value honesty, decency and accountability but spot them less and less frequently, even within myself. we are self-absorbed and callous. we are emotionally sadistic. the more i see of the world, the less i want to live in it. the more i know, the less i wish i had learned. i spent years freeing myself from a childhood of naivety only to feel strangled by the pains of being wronged and consequently the shames of doing wrong. All i can do now is to try and be better and elude the looming jaded negativity and the creeping desire to hide myself in my room and never come out.