twenty-six

yesterday was the most ridiculous day of my life.
a ball of fun and drama.

happy valentines day suckas.

twenty-five

wow. i did absolutely nothing today and i feel like a complete waste about it. i had a rough night last night, i won't explain but i was in a very dark place that really shook me.

i think from now on i am going to try to be a bit more positive and stay a little more busy. i need to keep my mind from running away from me. i've been so lazy lately, ignoring a list of things that i dont even need to get done but things i actually want to get done that just goes on not getting done. i need to call some people, make some books, mix tapes, and feel good about myself again.

i've lost sight of amy in all this. i need to return to former philosophies and being a little more steady and thoughtful. i've always thought it was pointless to imprison someone in a relationship they didn't want. pain is a sometimes necessary part of life, and i guess i just have felt numb for so long that i was terrified to actually feel again, you know? i was scared to just be hurt. but i am not anymore, i am welcoming it. cause at least when you feel like your heart is going to explode, you know its there and when the pain fades, you feel like never before. like when you are getting to that point of a run where your body feels like it is on fire but you know if you just stick it out, soon, you will feel on top of the world and that you could run forever.

twenty-four

if i could erase everything from today except for my bike ride, i would.

twenty-three

i feel a bit sick, i have had way more then enough candy today. i've been doing pretty well eating healthy-wise until i got home today to a 3 pound valentines day box my mom stuffed to the brim with peanut chews, swedish fish, sour watermelons, cliff bars, builder bars, gum and 20 bucks! it was awesome, she is awesome. but to save a little face i put the box downstairs and wrote "help yourselves" on it so my roomates and friends will help me with the sugar-load cause i sure don't need it all.

school was actually enjoyable today, probably because sam and matt were around and it wasn't as lonely as mondays tend to be. i was in esp for hours working on sooze's livejournal book, i got about a hundred pages in. these are going to be a bit more time consuming than i originally thought, a lot of copy and pasting, but i think in the end it will be worth it.

i went to the movies tonight and saw yes man, which was actually pretty good and not just because i love jim carey or zoey deschblahblahblah. just lighthearted and cute. and for a few reasons during the movie i caught myself with a huge grin on my face and felt a bit embarrassed. and its dumb but really, i should probably say yes more often.

the ride home tonight felt really nice, i love my bike and my dorky handle bars.

time for tea and reading until i fall asleep. bon soir!

twenty-two

i am either the most confused girl on the planet or the one with the least strength. i have been a whirlwind of emotion lately and i should probably apologize to everyone. trying to have a casual relationship with someone you are already years invested in is hard. i can say though that i'm trying. i'd like to get back to at least semi-regular heartbeat.

today has been a day of drawing and watching band of brothers. i have yet to go outside, i felt a little terrible about this until eric and i stuck our heads out the door and realized it is FREEZING! Being inside all day is okay, i told myself, as long as i am productive.

school is winding down, which means the work is winding up. I have two weeks left and it will be goodbye RIT for good. i sure hope i make it with no F's.

i had an interview for a job yesterday, a nanny job, i will know if i got it on tuesday or so. man, i hope so. i am beyond broke right now and really really trying to not call my parents for help. Mr. California, it would be nice to get that five hundred dollars you owe me.

i realized what happened yesterday is part of that stuff i don't want. feeling that uncomfortable and lost out of nowhere, i don't miss it. it used to really ruin me for a while but not anymore. forget that mess, i'm going to build a bonfire.