Perhaps its the restlessness of the season that is making me feel so restless. So listless.  Every Autumn I feel restless and bored and boring. And a depression starts cause I come up with grand ideas for change but rarely ever act on them. Maybe this year will be different. All i know is I am growing tired of the pattern of my life right now.

In an effort to assuage some of the swirlings in my head lately I've decided to begin writing again. Im feeling rather stale these days. Life has changed so much in the past few years, with friends settling down and moving away, the end of relationships and whatever pathetic sense of mission that gave me. I feel myself stuck in a cycle of drinking and boredom and tv and am worried I am becoming too much of these things. It effects me, I feel irratible and disinterested in everything. Doldrums. Little to no motivation, and what I do muster up can be squashed by the littlest of negativity.  I want to feel productive again. But where does one start? I pick up small temporary hobbies to keep myself entertained but to what end? I need a mission. I need a purpose. I need an obsession that consumes me. I have it good, friends, a supportive partner, decent paying job, just what am i doing for my self development? What am I showing the world? What do I want to show the world?

Ramona to the rescue.

i feel like a million bucks.
chachinng

Crushes and loves felt way easier in my early 20's when I still felt enthusiast about exploring what the other person liked. Checking out their favorite bands and them mine instead of being the crotchety old woman I am now and being all like nah i pretty much only wanna listen to pink floyd. ;)

Age 24  I grew poor enough to, for the first time, sift through and sell a major portion of my record collection. I remember pulling records out and chuckling "heh, oh riiight" and a name  or a day would flash in my head as I moved them quickly into the SELL pile. Rid myself of 100+ records in twenty minutes. That day, I promised myself to stop buying records I just thought were cool or to impress someone. Some, I genuinely liked but realized with time only really liked cause I wanted someone to like me. And shifted to only buyings albums I knew I would listen to a million times, and most importantly, for years to come.

Now, I have a record collection I love, filled with all my favorite things, some cooler than others. That is a Killers joke. Maybe I've hardened and my ears judge to soon and im not as spongey as people like or maybe after all these years I've narrowed down to whats just me, and ya know, I just dont like daft punk and I just dont care for most 80s sounding syth pop and I bet you don't like neurosis. Who cares. Judging people intensely on music is a pretty pretentious shallow way to be anyways.

I'll be honest it used to be how I'd pick em', shoes and music, thats what I cared about in a man. 
I would be like uh uh not with those shoes or uh you listen to what, gross! 

Now I think amy you were such an idiot and when a guy is like whatever I like this and i wear these and i can laugh and roll my eyes and they can laugh and roll their eyes at me, that, my friends, is where its at.

BUT if you dont like Bob Dylan, you probably just don't have a heart so, get out.

I've been feeling really happy lately. Like good about who I am, resolved in knowing what is not for me. Heartbeats slowing to a steady rate. So, even if pain comes, which it does a little still every now and then, it doesn't drown me. My heads a littler farther above the water and I have room to take a deep breathe and remember I know how to swim. I laugh, I find a confidence that seems to hide now when I am around you. But I feel myself again, no tip toeing no figuring out whats going on. My best friend's head is back and he is so so happy. I saw his real smile for the first time in months. It sent a jolt of warmth through my every inch. I work with people I really love and love me. And don't even get me started on my family. The best.

John invited me for thanksgiving, and I declined.
I had a lot of invites, but I am having my own day today.
Cooking/baking myself my favorite things and making the holiday my own.
I feel great, though, I miss my family.

I find myself waking up next to you and not wanting to stay.

Feels good to not care what happens.
And not beat yourself for loving someone so intensely,
despite knowing their cycles all too well. shruh
At least I don't waiver.

So this. It feels nice to hear I love you everyday again. Sleep next to someone every night. Outside, My lips grin and say I love you back and then again to answer "yes, really", my eyes watch the rise and fall of your chest. My skin feels you pull me in and tightly wrap yourself around me, as if you cant get close enough, both hands inside yours that way we hold hands. My ears hear you tell me how much you missed certain parts of my body that youve still never been more attracted to anyone. Inside, I numb these senses, and keep a distance, I'm trying to protect my healing scars and not have them suddenly ripped back open. I'm operating somewhere between relief, disbelief and what the hell am I doing. Forgiving and forgetting don't come that easily, and Im not sure I've done either.

Completely tied in knots that maybe just need to be rubbed in and worked out.

I have no words. Just a tangle of swirling thoughts, knotting together in my mind and wanting them all to cease.